Keeping the Faith through the Confusion

I'll be the first person to admit that I don't go to church every Sunday, but at the same time I am still a firm believer. I am grateful for the things and people in my life, and believe there is a reason for everything.

All that being said, my daughter asked me questions tonight that I really couldn't answer. She pointed out that she doesn't understand why God would do this to Nate. Honestly, neither do I. I know I will never know the answer to that question, but we have been through so much already in the last 16 years. With each trial, my husband and I just keep saying that it's a test and we are made stronger through each one. But the number of tests has grown to be a bit much. Between my husband going to war, his kidneys almost failing and needing to be rebuilt, Nate needing surgery in his groin, then a year later needing both feet rebuilt, Mike's PTSD surfacing and causing a major career change for him, and countless others, this seems to be larger than the rest and not quite fair. We have struggled and survived more than most.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but it's getting harder to keep the faith. I feel like we can't catch a break. I try being the best person that I can with hopes that good things will come. This just isn't fair.

Today, we met with the school to make Nate's medical care plan. It was nice to know there are nurses who will be able to help him at lunch. It's terrifying to pass his safety and health off everyday, but I have to believe he'll be ok. Yet again, I need to have faith.

It's interesting though. Everyone we've spoken with has commented on how well Mike and I are doing and how on top of it we are. I can't imagine it being any other way than it is right now with us being prepared. As two controlling and organized people, it's the only way I can hold it together. Breaking down will help nothing. I can hold that off for when I'm alone. I have to be strong for my children. They're my priority.

I'm rambling, but tonight is a low. We're six days in, and it sucks. It sucks and isn't fair that my 10 year old boy is having to deal with this. It sucks that he's going to get four shots a day for the rest of his life. His life will never be carefree again because everything will need to be planned. As angry as my daughter is...I am too. I wish there was something I could do. It's not right. It's not fair.